What To Do When The Guy Won’t Text You Back

We’ve all been there. We like a guy (or girl), we engage in some exciting and anxiety-producing texting, and then when they don’t respond to one of our texts, we freak out. Just minutes earlier we felt sexy, desirable, and bad-ass, and then all of the sudden–when we don’t get that text or when it comes later than we wanted–we feel like disgusting losers.

And when we’re in that low-energy space, we begin to need that validation from the guy to feel good about ourselves, so we might text him again…which tends to make us feel even more desperate and worse…and we end up pushing the guy away.

Why do we do this to ourselves??

I used to (and still do sometimes) experience these swings in emotion and self-worth a lot around men. But over the years, I’ve learned some useful tools to feel peaceful and beautiful no matter what a guy texts or doesn’t text me.

The BEST TIP for how to handle yourself when a guy doesn’t respond to your text is….

Get right with yourself.

Take your focus off of the guy and put it on yourself. Feeling less worthy or desirable because the guy hasn’t texted yet just means that you have some internal work to do. And that’s great news because that means you no longer have to worry about him (because you can’t control what he thinks/does anyway). All you have to do is focus on improving your own sense of self-worth and feeling great in yourself–no matter what happens with this guy.

Getting right with yourself can look like…

  • Viewing your emotional response to the (temporary) lack of text as a Divine lesson. This is a beautiful opportunity for you to improve your self-worth and release your need for external validation. Other people are our greatest teachers in life, and this guy is helping you realize how worthy you are on your own. So, he’s actually doing you a favor.
  • Journaling about how the lack of text makes you feel mentally and physically, when you’ve felt this way in the past, and how you may be bringing your past experiences and fears into the present.
  • Removing your self-worth from the external world, i.e. whether the guy texts back, the size of your jeans, how much money you have, etc. and placing your self-worth in something internal and unchanging, i.e. your connection to God/Universe, your intuition, your core ESSENCE. Do this by making a list of all the things you love about yourself, what’s unique about you, and what YOU bring to the world. Look at pictures of yourself as a little kid. What would you tell that little girl about her self-worth? Would you tell her that it lies in whether a guy will text her back? Um, no.
  • Connecting to your body through movement. Stretch, walk/run, dance, do some yoga. Working out makes you feel hot and more in tune with your intuition, which will help you decide your next step with this guy–from a peaceful, loving space, rather than a frantic, needy one.
  • Flirt with/open your eyes to other men. Relax your focus on this guy and realize how many other great men there are in your world. Smile at the hot guy in Starbucks. Give a man (even if it’s your friend or family member) a compliment. Keep track of real-life examples of men treating their girlfriends the way you want to be treated. This will make you feel more abundant in men and ease that desperation you may feel around the one who’s not texting back.

Whew, these are just some of the many ways you can get right with yourself–so that you can return to a loving and peaceful place in yourself, which will energetically draw that guy to you…or draw in other men who are a better match for you

It’s totally okay to text that guy again…as long as you do it from a place of self-love and calm, with no expectation of a response from him (just text him bc you were thinking about him, not bc you want something from him), and with a solid sense of self-worth so that if he doesn’t respond, you still feel fly and desirable.

This is a tricky topic, and I’m still working on it. Use these tips to experience more ease with those boys (or girls or whoever you dig)!

Play the Question Game with me?

I’m on Pacific time right now, as I’m in Vegas on a work trip. My room has automatic shades, a red leather couch, a black toilet, and a kick-ass view. Vegas is the best-worst place ever.

In today’s blog, I’m adapting an exercise I learned from a personal retreat I attended a few days ago in San Diego.

Think about an area of your life that not going the way you want it to go. Maybe you feel frustrated, anxious, embarrassed, angry, scared, or sad about it. When you think about that area and the emotions it triggers in you, what questions do you find yourself asking?

For example, maybe if you’re feeling really chaotic around money, you’re asking yourself, Why can’t I just have more money like my friends? Why am I so poor? Why didn’t I pick a better career?

Or if romantic relationships are tripping you up, you might be asking yourself: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal in relationships? Why do I attract losers and my friends have great relationships?

Think about your area of life, then make a list of those questions that come up for you when you think about it.

Now I have a question for you. Are those questions really helping your current situation? Are those questions helping you move towards what you want? Do they make you feel excited and motivated to accomplish your goals and get what you want?

No!

That means you have to change the questions you’re asking yourself. Empowering and motivating questions include:

How have I grown in this area of my life? What can I do right now to feel more positive about this area? How can I work on myself now so that I’m the best romantic partner I can be when I meet the person of my dreams? How can I turn my skills and passions into a profitable side hustle? How can I live like I already have the money/career/romantic relationship/health of my dreams?

Notice how these questions make you feel, compared to the previous questions. These questions probably make you feel much more calm, empowered, and motivated, right? When you shift into asking yourself these questions, you put yourself into action quickly, and then you’re on your way to feeling better and accomplishing all of your goals.

Give this exercise a try and experience the shifts!

The fastest ways to ease anxiety and get back to your life

Well, last week’s post sparked quite a response from folks. I received several lovely emails and messages from readers who relate to my experience with anxiety and/or wanted to make sure I was okay. That’s one of the reasons I love writing to you–because I get to share my experiences and (hopefully?) make you feel less alone and more understood in yours.

Let’s keep this conversation about anxiety going! As you know, anxiety is a crippling and sometimes embarrassing experience. It’s easy to get down on ourselves for not being able to progress or make decisions in certain areas of our lives when it seems like other people can handle things and participate in life so easily.

And when we go into anxiety-mode, we often get scared and uncomfortable (which is totally normal), sometimes making us want to distract ourselves or numb out. Maybe we binge watch a TV show, binge on food, dive into a pile of work, drink, or shop–not that those things are inherently bad.

The two tools that I’m about to share with you totally transformed the way I view and manage my anxiety. Whenever I feel anxious (especially lately, when it comes to my romantic life), I use these tools, return to peace, and make more progress on my goals.

1. Stop running from the anxiety. Anxious thoughts thrive in darkness. When we shed light on them by calling them out and acknowledging them, we take away their power over us and begin to realize that we’re actually the ones who hold the power. Begin to be curious about your anxiety. Write down on paper or in your phone what thoughts come up for you, and what physical sensations you experience when you’re anxious (tight chest, nausea, etc.). Be a gentle observer of yourself, as if you’re watching yourself from across the street, just noticing what you experience. When we fear or avoid our anxiety, we just make it more powerful and scary. So gently expose your anxiety and watch how it shifts into something less scary, and just something you’re experiencing.

2. View yourself as normal. First of all, there is no such thing as normal. But it’s so easy to view ourselves as inferior to or weirder than people who don’t seem to have anxiety or who manage it seemingly better than we can. That thinking just prolongs the time it takes for us to get calm and move on. In those moments of anxiety or whenever an anxious thought comes up, tell yourself, “It’s totally okay that I’m having this thought. It’s okay that I’m anxious right now. This is totally normal. Lots of people have anxiety.” Use that self-talk all day because it removes a layer of anxiety that you don’t need. You don’t need to be anxious about having anxiety; you’re already anxious about something in your life. Don’t put more pressure on yourself. When you make your anxiety “okay,” it actually softens and gives you the brain space you need to calm down and take action from a space of peace.

Give these tools a try this week, okay?

Anxiety does not have to rule your romantic relationships. Here’s how to get free.

Whew, this week was a doozy. I recovered from a nasty cold, attended the Women’s March in Baltimore, and went through a few days of intense anxiety around the man I’ve been dating.

I came up against some fear around this man and wanted to break things off with him. We had an honest conversation about our feelings, then didn’t talk for three days, as we both knew I needed space to figure out what I wanted.

Those three days were intense. I experienced the same overwhelming, suffocating, gnawing anxiety I experienced in past relationships (and in other situations in which I had to make a decision of some kind, like decisions around The Happy College Girl). I was so uncomfortable and scared that my anxiety wouldn’t go away. I was worried that I was screwing up this guy’s life and that I would never feel calm and content in a relationship.

Then I made a decision. I decided that I would NOT let my anxiety rule this area of my life. I knew that other people–my friends, colleagues, favorite authors and bloggers–experienced fear in their relationships, overcame their fear, and now relate to that area of their lives in a calm, productive way where they actually get their needs met. I KNEW that there was another way to handle my relationship and I had the tools to do it.

So I worked those tools like a full-time job. Here’s what I did.

1. Prayed a ton. When I woke up in the morning, throughout the day, and before bed, I prayed, “Thank you for showing me how to see this situation with love.” And, “I choose to see this situation with love.” These simple prayers helped me surrender my fear and anxiety around my relationship, and reminded me that there is another way to handle this area of my life. Anxiety isn’t the only option; there is help from God/the Universe/something greater than me.

2. Meditated. When I’m in that anxious, on-edge state, it’s hard for me to sit still and get quiet because my thoughts are so anxious that they make me really uncomfortable. But I pushed myself to use guided meditations from Gabrielle Bernstein that helped me acknowledge and surrender my feelings. Mediating actually gave me some space from my anxious, whirring thoughts, so that I could think more clearly about what I wanted in my romantic life.

3. Moved my body. It’s so easy for me to stay in bed or stay in the house when I’m anxious. But isolating myself and not moving just makes the anxiety worse. I took a few walks, did some Youtube workouts, and stretched. After moving, I felt stronger, lighter, and more connected to myself.

4. Listened to uplifting podcasts, books, etc. During my walks and while driving, I listened to helpful podcasts, audio books, and coaching calls. This content reinforced principles about having fearless relationships and communicating with others. After listening, I felt more equipped, and like it was actually possible for me, to handle my own romantic life with calm power.

5. Talk to people who you trust and who have what you want. When I’m super anxious, I tend to talk to anyone who will listen, mainly because my anxiety is all I can think about, so whenever I’m with someone, it spills out of my mouth. But this time around, I only talked to a couple of people who view relationships in the way I want to view relationships, and who know my personal fears and patterns when it comes to dating. They gave me support and helped me work through my stuff.

6. Kept working. Being in that intense, anxious place makes me want to stay in bed all day and ignore my work. But I refused to do that this time. I knew that doing something productive, like work, gives my mind something else to focus on. And that stuff has to get done anyway, so putting it off would only make me more anxious. Even though I was anxious and nauseous throughout my work days, I kept at it. Whenever I felt a wave of anxiety, I took a breath, said my prayer, and refocused my attention on the task at hand.

And you know what? All of those things worked! By about the third day, I felt much calmer and lighter. I even had a few moments of fun and laughter. In that space, I was able to make a good decision about how to handle my relationship. And even though I’m still uncertain about how things will go, I feel strong moving forward and confident that I can handle whatever happens. Miraculous!

I’m sharing this very personal story with you because I want you to know that anxiety does not have to rule any area of your life. These tools will work for you too. When you use them, you will see results, i.e. less anxiety and better ability to make decisions. I promise!